Obama Taps Clinton as VP

Democrats ask, “Too clever by half?”

CHICAGO—Sen. Barack Obama has selected former president Bill Clinton as his running mate, sources have confirmed. The two are scheduled to campaign together Saturday in Springfield, Illinois, where observers speculate Clinton may give Obama an enthusiastic endorsement.

The announcement was originally to be made by text message Saturday morning, but was leaked to Fox News via an anonymous telephone call late Friday night. It is suspected that the caller may be a butler or other employee of the Clinton household, as the call was traced to a pay phone outside the Kentucky Fried Chicken in the Clintons’ hometown of Chappaqua, New York.

Obama’s nod to Clinton for vice-president appears to be an attempt to heal the rift between the senator’s supporters and those of Hillary Clinton, just as Democrats prepare to begin their national convention in Denver on August 25. Though many Obama supporters counseled that choosing Hillary Clinton as a “unity pick” could make the Illinois senator look weak, the choice of Bill Clinton allows Obama to avoid a Hillary pick at the same time as he capitalizes on a large base of Clinton supporters and the former president’s popularity.

The Clintons are expected to contribute a sense of sobriety and experience to the campaign, balancing what many perceive as Obama’s youthful naïveté and self-aggrandizing pomposity. Once in the White House, both Clintons can then advise Obama in areas outside of his expertise, such as foreign policy, health care, taxes, the economy, trade, Social Security, military issues, education, energy, the environment, transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, labor issues, race relations, and last names of world leaders.

Clinton’s acceptance, however, is not without its trade-offs for the Obama campaign. According to the caller, Clinton negotiated transfer of Hillary Clinton’s campaign debts to the Obama campaign as well as a shift in the DNC conventions programming: Obama will now speak during Sen. Clinton’s Monday slot, while she will have the convention’s last word on Thursday. Parties also came to an agreement regarding White House office space after the election: former president Clinton will assume the White House’s vice presidential offices, while Hillary Clinton will occupy the West Wing offices normally reserved for the president’s staff. Obama, in turn, will work out of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building on the other side of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Admittedly, Obama/Bill Clinton may yet turn out to be a risky ticket given the former president’s “fairy tale” comments during the Democratic primary campaign, even as Obama becomes the Clinton’s—and John McCain’s—fairy godmother.

Obama Touts Child's Cure

NEW YORK—The Obama campaign countered John McCain’s charges that the Illinois senator lacks the experience to solve challenges from Islamic terror, a weak economy, and the nation’s energy crisis with reports of a New Jersey woman who credits Obama with her son’s sudden recovery from leukemia.

According to reports, oncologists at New York University Medical Center have informed the family of seven-year-old Elias Rivera that the boy’s tumor has fully disappeared. The good news comes after thirteen nights in which his mother, Maria, claims to have placed a small lock of Obama’s hair under her son’s pillow as he slept.

The Obama campaign quickly seized on the story as proof of their candidate’s fitness for the Oval Office. Contrary to recent McCain attack ads dismissing his opponent as a “celebrity,” Obama supporters argue that the Rivera story provides powerful evidence that he can substantially improve life for ordinary Americans.

Since the story first broke on Wednesday, support for Obama has multiplied in the Riveras’ hometown of Paterson. Outside their apartment building, locals have begun holding candlelight vigils in the hopes of a second miracle. With nightly headcount now at over 600 believers, city officials predict that turnout at an upcoming Obama campaign visit to the family could rival attendance at the candidate’s fabled Berlin speech.

The Rivera narrative may prove a game-changer for the November election. “If true,” paranormal expert Roy Bearson informed us, “then everything the Republicans are saying would be wrong. Obama would be a panacea for all that is broken in America. Imagine if you could stop terrorism, global warming, high gas prices, economic inequality—all with a snap of your fingers.”

As is to be expected, the Rivera saga is not without its skeptics in the medical establishment: Elias’s doctors attribute his turnaround to months of a rigorous chemotherapy regimen. But for Rivera and those willing to trust in the unknown, Barack Obama is likely to end up the favored candidate.

Laura Bush Enters Democratic Primary

First lady perceived as a “warmer, less calculating” Hillary Clinton

DES MOINES—Hillary Clinton will not be the only woman asking Iowans to nominate her as the first female presidential candidate to represent a major political party. Democratic caucus-goers will also have the opportunity to vote for First Lady Laura Bush, who announced her candidacy Friday morning in Des Moines.

Bush justified her last-minute entry into the Democratic fray by a sudden epiphany she had while thinking about the Democratic frontrunner: Bush perceived a need to offer ordinary Iowan women a female candidate who they can relate to—one who’s stayed home to bake cookies and raise her daughters—but without foregoing the prior government experience that is a must-have for any presidential candidate, a spokesman for the First Lady said.

She hopes to position herself as a fresher, sunnier alternative who can win over many of the wary voters who have felt alienated by the polarizing Clinton and who can appeal to independent and Republican voters in the general election. Most of all, aides said Bush’s campaign will stress her extensive executive experience: she spent two terms in Texas’ governor’s mansion before serving nearly two more in the White House, in both cases as First Lady. But unlike that of Clinton, Bush’s tenure as First Lady steered clear of the legal scandals, policy debacles, and conspiratorial accusations that were the hallmarks of the Clinton years.

With caucuses less than two weeks away, Bush nevertheless faces an uphill battle to win the nomination. Among her top projects for the near future will be making her candidacy known among Iowans and assuaging Democratic voters’ concerns about the Iraq war. To this end the candidate has enlisted the help of her headline-grabbing husband, who told an Iowa City crowd, “And that’s why I opposed the Iraq war from the start.”

Bush told reporters she had considered and dismissed the idea of entering the Republican primary, criticizing that race as “an old boys club”. She said in her announcement speech, “I truly appreciate how Hillary Clinton has paved the way for a woman in the White House, but now’s the time for her to step down and let Democrats elect a woman Americans can trust.”


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Clinton Documents Released by Zippo-Rooter

Clogged toilet spoils Clintons' Tupperware party

NEW YORK—Formerly secret documents from Sen. Hillary Clinton’s tenure as First Lady were made public Tuesday by an employee of Zippo-Rooter Plumbing familiar with the Clinton household. Although advocacy groups had filed Freedom of Information Act requests for the papers, the Bill Clinton Presidential Library was not previously expected to release most of them until after the 2008 election. Newly publicized documents include dozens of pages of Sen. Clinton’s weekly calendar, as well as memos, emails, and reports.

The papers were brought to light by Zippo-Rooter plumber Oskar Jaczowoski, who performed an emergency call on the Clinton residence in Chappaqua, New York early Tuesday morning. “I knew from start not everything was right,” he told us, “When I got the call from Sen. Clinton, I heard her husband in the background, and everyone was saying, ‘What’s going on?’ ‘Sandy Berger’s plugged up the toilet.’”

Jaczowoski arrived at approximately 3:30am to a Who’s Who of Clinton associates. In addition to former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger, he recognized longtime Clinton chum Vernon Jordan, fundraisers John Huang and Charlie Yah Lin Trie, actress Barbara Streisand, and fugitive drug lord-turned-DNC donor-turned-last-minute Clinton pardonee Marc Rich. Jaczowoski spent nearly forty minutes clearing the toilet in the Clinton’s guest bathroom and charged an additional surcharge for the late-night visit. “Cleanest job I ever did,” he said, “There was no waste, just pure documents.” Upon completing the work, the patriotic plumber promptly disseminated the salvaged documents to media outlets.

Sen. Clinton countered suspicions of impropriety in her midnight meeting of Democratic lowlifes, claiming they were gathered for a Tupperware party in honor of visiting Chinese dignitaries. This explanation was indeed corroborated by Jaczowoski, who recalled several plastic bins with manila folders in the kitchen and more in the bathtub, as well as two plastic containers resting on the toilet tank: one with Cottonelle baby wipes and the other labeled “Whereabouts of Osama bin Laden: 1996, ’98, ’99.”

Release of these Clinton records is not likely to bode well for her presidential aspirations. Though Clinton had blamed the National Archives’ time-consuming screening process for the delay in her papers’ publication, volunteers for the Obama for America campaign disproved that claim, having the documents cataloged, digitized, and uploaded into a searchable online database within hours.

The papers’ content may also become a liability for Clinton. Among recovered records were receipts for District of Columbia hotel/motel taxes collected and an innkeeper’s license labeled “Venue: Lincoln Bedroom”, a schedule listing a fundraising meet-and-greet at Maryland’s Cumberland Federal Correctional Institution, and a United States passport for "Benjamin David Kline" bearing the photograph of indicted Clinton fundraiser Norman Hsu. Perhaps more disturbing is a report entitled “HillaryCare 1994,” affixed with a yellow post-it note reading, “SAVE FOR FUTURE USE.”

Sen. Clinton nevertheless maintains that the incident is the work of another “vast, right-wing conspiracy,” telling reporters, “In 1998 the Republicans were in our bedroom and now they’re in our bathroom. My toilet was tapped without a warrant.” And it was—if only Berger had known to hold the handle down till it was through flushing.


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Gore Scores Second Nobel Win

Former VP joins elite cadre of U.S. laureates in literature

STOCKHOLM—In a surprise announcement Wednesday morning, former vice-president Al Gore was named recipient of his second Nobel Prize in less than a week’s time. The Nobel Prize in Literature, which will add $1.6 million to the coffers of a man already rich from the climate change scare, was largely merited by Gore’s postmodern meta-documentary, An Inconvenient Truth.

In a fantastic cinematic voyage, Gore’s masterwork guides the viewer between two parallel worlds: the prosaic world where kindergarteners ride to school in their parents’ SUVs and union laborers manufacture USA-made products, and the epic dream-world of Dutch children’s ghastly death-screams, their fingers stuck in dikes, and of dehydrated polar bear carcasses strewn about an otherwise pristine Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

The story is told from the perspective of amateur climatological sleuth Professor Albert, who recounts the evidence he uncovers of an imminent climate-change disaster. On the eve of his report’s publication, it is suppressed by a regime of neocon-cyborgs known as Dick Cheney. However, in a scene reminiscent of Lois Lowry’s The Giver, small suburban schoolboy Little Alan soon receives the professor’s findings from a mysterious swamp creature known only as “The Goracle.” With high tide beating against the barricaded doors of the New York Stock Exchange, Little Alan marches onto the floor of the US Senate just in time to win ratification of a costly token-treaty guaranteeing Chinese economic supremacy.

A postmodern classic to its core, An Inconvenient Truth blurs the line between truth and fiction. The professor’s account of reality is subverted by an implicit subnarrative: among his accumulation of facts and scientific data, the professor intersperses—unidentified—speculations, half-truths, even optical illusions. Moments such as,

There I was, tape-recorder in hand, the peasants begging me, “Please Dr. Albert, save our island.” And that’s when I was informed that the First Lady was innocent of all wrongdoing.

An unreliable narrator, the good professor at one moment warns of impending carbon-induced asphyxiation and is later spotted on gas-guzzling cherry-pickers and private jets. In this way the work serves as a thought-provoking meditation on the nature of truth and man’s ability to know it.

In winning the prize, Gore joins Pearl Buck (1938) and other members of an elite cadre of America’s most distinguished writers of fiction. Capping a prolific literary and film career, the Nobel award comes in addition to a Newberry Medal for The Boy Who Cried Wolf and a Pulitzer for his riveting memoirs, You Get Back Up Again: How They Cheated Me Out of the 2000 Election and Royalties for the Calculator. Gore’s next project will be a follow-up to An Inconvenient Truth: he plans to write and direct a modern adaptation of Shakespeare’s classic comedy, Much Ado About Nothing.


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Clinton Touts Traditional Chinese Medicine

But still no cure for yellow fever, Clinton tells donors

SAN FRANCISCO—Traditional Chinese medicine may be the solution to our nation’s health care crisis, Hillary Clinton declared at a fundraising banquet in San Francisco’s Chinatown, where she unveiled her plan for universal health care in America. The plan advocates time-tested Chinese folk remedies as an inexpensive means to achieve universal coverage without a cumbersome national bureaucracy.

Traditional Chinese medicine, or TCM, uses a holistic approach to maintain a balance between the body’s yin and yang forces. Add that to general wellness practices like daily Tai Chi exercise sessions and a vegetable-rich diet, said the presidential hopeful, and the outcome is a recipe for a healthy America.

The Clinton plan envisions Americans soon choosing from among an exciting array of treatment options, to include acupuncture, herbal remedies, healing arts, hot-cold massage, and Chinese white magic. As in the Chinese model, government will step in only to provide high-priority procedures, namely free and confidential abortions to women of all ages.

The best part of the plan, Clinton told donors, is that millions of Americans will be allowed to keep their current coverage: recipients of government entitlement programs such as Medicaid and Veterans’ Administration care will see no changes. Middle- and upper-income Americans will pay out-of-pocket for low-priced TCM treatments as described above. Money now paid for insurance premiums could then be redirected to extend government health care, first to illegal immigrants and then to healthy people temporarily between jobs and those who simply choose not to purchase coverage.

Most of the Clinton supporters in the Chinatown ballroom were drawn from the Bay Area’s sizeable Chinese-American community. The guest of honor was retired Chinese intelligence chief, Col. Zhang Wu. Clinton received the endorsement of various organizations, including the Society for the Practice of Chinese Medicine, the American Acupuncturists Guild, and the Chinese Communist Party.

Clinton told the crowd that her interest in Chinese medicine began after the collapse of her ill-fated health care debacle as First Lady. “After 1994 it was clear we needed a fresh approach. And that’s when I learned that while TCM is much less costly than a Canadian- or European-style system, the quality of care is the same,” she said. Clinton illustrated the potential savings by comparing the cost to treat a heart patient by Western and Chinese methods: thousands of dollars for bypass surgery, versus as little as $12 for a traditional mixture of ginger root and wild mushroom spores. “How’s that for prescription drug coverage?” she added.

The luncheon left many of the attending Chinese medicine practitioners in high spirits. If Clinton laid one thing plain, it was that Plan Hillary will have Americans scrambling for alternative sources of medical care.


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Senate Democrats Denounce MoveOn.org

Democrats rise above the riffraff.

WASHINGTON—Senate Democrats condemn liberal advocacy group MoveOn.org for assailing the honesty of Gen. David Petraeus, stated Majority leader Harry Reid in a Democratic press conference Sunday. Senate Democrats faced staunch pressure this week to denounce the ad published in Monday’s New York Times, which referred to the general as “General Betray Us” and accused him of “cooking the books for the White House.”

The Democrats’ position was further complicated by the words of an anonymous senator, whom the Sept. 8 Politico reported as saying “No one wants to call [Petraeus] a liar on national TV. The expectation is that the outside groups will do this for us.”

The press conference immediately followed an emergency closed-door meeting of the Senate Democratic Caucus. Reid told reporters, “We as a party discussed the individual’s comments to the Politico, and our consensus was that they were wholly inappropriate. We fervently denounce this shameful attack on one of our nation’s most respected generals, and we ask MoveOn to apologize to Gen. Petraeus and to the American people.”

Asked by a reporter how this censure could impact Democrats’ relationship with MoveOn and other liberal grassroots organizations, Sen. Charles Schumer, chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign, acknowledged that Democrats could miss MoveOn’s fundraising support in the 2008 election if a rift with the group ensued. He explained, “We’re not playing politics here. We’re doing the right thing.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton spoke next, adding, “I personally found the ad’s content revolting and I don’t hesitate to condemn it. I’m telling America loud and clear: MoveOn and the far-left blogosphere do not own the Democratic party!” Reid ended the conference by recognizing two or three areas of improvement in Iraq and promising to work with the president and Republicans to forge a bipartisan compromise to reduce the American presence in Iraq.

The streets of Washington were lined with gumdrops and lollipops as Sen. Reid departed from the press conference on the back of a majestic griffin. Sen. Clinton was escorted away by her husband, Bill, in a lovely pumpkin-shaped carriage. As the conference dispersed, one observer noted, “After what just happened, you can’t doubt the honor and integrity of Sen. Reid and the Democrats. They’re patriots—they love America.” Several Dr. Seuss characters in attendance concurred.

Some commentators interpreted the evening’s events as the beginning of a new strategy to appeal to middle-of-the-road voters rather than continuing to placate the radical left. But Democrats’ move seems to have struck a nerve with members of the left-wing blogosphere. Typical of their reaction were the words of liberal blogger Merlin the Magician, who vowed to summon “dragons and fireballs” upon the “fascist Bush-loving pigs” in the Democratic party.

Republicans, on the other hand, were taken pleasantly by surprise. “I don’t believe my ears,” said one Republican Senate aid. President Bush said through a spokesperson that he looked forward to a new spirit of stewardship and bipartisanship in confronting challenges to America’s national security. The president was unavailable for direct comment, as he was en route to Fairchild Air Force base in Washington state to inspect the first live Sasquatch specimen ever captured in the lower 48 states.

Approval ratings for the Democratic-controlled Congress rocketed into the thirties following the press conference, approaching even President Bush’s numbers. Still, Democrats’ limelight was in part eclipsed by news of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff’s urgent order to dispatch 2,000 FEMA workers to deal with severe snowstorms in Hell. And it remains to be seen whether Americans will rally behind Democrats over the long term. Said one troll displaced by the icy weather conditions, “This all smells a little fishy. In particular, I’d say Sen. Clinton’s comments require the willing suspension of disbelief.”

Read about the anonymous senator’s quote to the Politico (This is not made up!):
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0907/5713_Page2.html

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Pelosi to Bush: No Troop Drawdown

“See no evil, hear no evil,” say Democrats

WASHINGTON—The Bush White House was dumbfounded late Thursday evening by Democrats in the House of Representatives, who proved as ambivalent toward the president’s proposal to reduce U.S. forces in Iraq as they were skeptical of the successes Gen. Petraeus described in his report to Congress earlier this week. The White House limited its comment on the issue to signaling the aptness of the Democrats’ popular moniker as “the party of ‘no.’”

Democrats found little to rejoice over in the general’s testimony Monday and Tuesday. The top commander in Iraq told Congress a decrease in insurgent activity has accompanied a rise in coalition forces’ successes. He consequently faced harsh comments from Democrats, including Sen. Hillary Clinton’s (D-N.Y.) remark, “General, you will never fully grasp my great appreciation and awe for your work as a general and my profound respect for you as a man. But your testimony has me convinced that you are a jingo nationalist, and with all due respect I spit upon you.”

Democrats on the Ethics Committee reacted to the general’s report by clamoring for a special prosecutor to investigate allegations that he had “cooked the books” to paint the state of the war in a rosy light. If the Democrats’ request is granted, Petraeus will undergo protracted periods of sleep deprivation and waterboarding to coerce him into divulging the Bush staffer who was the report’s true author. Should that fail, Democrats say the general will begin attending the House Democratic Women’s Caucus’ weekly closed-door cluckfests, provided a subcommittee rules that such would not constitute torture.

Perhaps most peculiar was the stiff Democratic opposition to Bush’s intention to cut troop levels in Iraq to pre-surge levels by next August. House Democrats were united in their criticisms of the plan following the president’s Thursday television address. “Sugarcoating and spin,” said Rep. Lynn Woolsey (D-Calif.) of Bush’s proposal. Rep. Tom Lantos (D-Calif.) stated, “The president says we can bring home some troops, but frankly I don’t buy it. If we’re going to be pulling back, I want to see the Iraqis start meeting some of the benchmarks we set for them.”

Explaining the surprise shift in policy, Speaker Nancy Pelosi snapped, “No. No, no, no. Bush is not getting credit for this one. We’ve worked too long and too hard to convince America that the war is a failure. We will not support a drawdown under these conditions.” Pelosi vowed to use Democrats’ political muscle to sustain current troop levels until the situation deteriorates sufficiently.

But even with some U.S. troops set to return home, it seems unlikely Democrats will find themselves having to tout the surge’s success. As an anonymous House Democrat told us, “Nobody wants to go on national TV and say the surge is working. The expectation is that MSNBC and the New York Times will do it for us. Oh, wait a second, it’ll have to be Fox News for that one.”


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MoveOn.org Runs Second New York Times Ad

View the ad here


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Gore Foes to Offset Carbon Offsets

Group aims to coerce former VP into carbon-neutral lifestyle

NASHVILLE—Activists pressing Al Gore to amend his energy-consuming lifestyle have announced plans to counter the former vice-president’s carbon offsets by funding a commercial-scale hog farm in rural China. A joint venture will finance a 20% expansion of a state-run pig farm into neighboring wetlands, where the extra methane-producing swine are projected to deliver thousands of tons of the noxious greenhouse gas into the Earth’s atmosphere annually.

The motley alliance of radical environmentalists and right wing partisans aims to force Gore to adopt an eco-friendly lifestyle. He currently claims to balance his personal energy use by purchasing “carbon offsets”—a well-known scam that preys on wealthy liberals—by investing in green energy production through a company he owns. The group charges that this is nothing short of hypocrisy, given the harsh changes the vice-president-turned-climate-change-alarmist has demanded to ordinary Americans’ way of living.

The organization’s director, John McTarrant, thus explains the carbon offset-offset strategy: “It’s holding the planet hostage, really. For every offset Gore buys, we buy more hogs. Sooner or later he’ll be forced to start actually conserving energy.”

Gore, speaking from the steps of his 10,000 square-foot Nashville mansion, did not find that prospect enticing. He told reporters, “Look, I recycle. I drive a hybrid Hummer, 14 miles to the gallon. We only run our sauna when we’re in it. We’ve pretty much shrunk our household energy use down to the level of three, maybe two-and-a-half Romanian villages.”

Pressed further, Gore said of the group’s criticisms, “I can’t say it’s not an inconvenient truth. But what these folks don’t understand, is I have a lot more to sacrifice than the little people. It’s a dream life, baby. If you were this rich, you’d live it up too.”

Hog futures rose sharply at the Shanghai commodities exchange as news broke that Gore won’t be crying “uncle” anytime soon.

Al-Maliki Launches Political Surge on Washington

“Operation Phantom Congress” will provide 1,000 Iraqi interns

WASHINGTON—As part of a “political surge” launched by Iraqi prime minister Nouri al-Maliki, the first members of an eventual 1,000-man-and woman-strong force of Iraqi legislative interns began arriving on Capitol Hill early Wednesday morning.

Citing low approval ratings and a lackluster record of achievements, al-Maliki believes Congress’ Democratic majority has a thing or two to learn from the Iraqi parliament. “They have been in office nine months, but what signs of progress do we see? What has been accomplished?” he asked.

Over the coming months the interns will mentor congressional Democrats and their staffs on legislative affairs. Members will receive training on issues the nascent Iraqi parliament has contended with in recent years, such as transparency during the legislative process, how to fairly conduct floor votes, and avoiding bribery and corruption—matters essential for the success of any legitimate democracy.

But Al-Maliki urged Americans and Iraqis to be patient, cautioning, “We have a considerable mission ahead of us. If there are indications of improvement in several months, we may be able to pull back some of the force. However, if we withdraw our support too soon, the U.S. Congress may find itself once again unable to stand on its own.”

The newly-arrived interns began their stay by organizing a public rally outside the Russell Senate Office Building. Angry taxpayers chanted and threw rocks and sticks at the building’s facade. “It’s a shame,” said 19-year-old intern Ahmed Rushid, “There just isn’t a sense of urgency to do anything in this Congress, and we’re hoping we can change that.”

One of the most exciting aspects of the surge is a special task force led by Fareedah al-Suleiman, a 20-year-old Baghdad University junior. The unit completed its first successful operation on Thursday: while Congress was holding hearings and committee meetings on Capitol Hill, the unit apprehended four Democratic congressmen who surrendered after al-Suleiman and her colleagues cornered them in a grove of pine trees on a Maryland golf course.

Response to the surge has been generally favorable among the White House and Republicans, but some Democrats have reacted negatively. Though “intrigued” by one intern’s suggestion for a four- or even five-day congressional work week, Speaker Nancy Pelosi denounced the intervention as superfluous: “I have seen the polls and I am convinced that we are meeting the American people’s expectations. Specifically they expect Congress to waste time and waste money, and we are fulfilling those expectations marvelously.”

Edwards Surprise Victim of Subprime Lending

The former North Carolina senator and Democratic presidential candidate finds himself an unlikely victim of cutthroat lending practices

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Financial data recently released by the John Edwards for President campaign reveals the candidate himself as a victim of the subprime lending practices that he has frequently criticized on the campaign trail. Among the campaign’s assets, the report discloses a $52,000 personal loan made to Edwards in 2006, the variable interest rate of which has skyrocketed in recent weeks to over 24%

Pressed for comment, Edwards declared, “It’s unconscionable that a loan would be offered on such terms. I can assure you I was unaware these kinds of practices were going on. I played absolutely no part in the decision-making on the loan.”

These events underscore the need for closer government supervision of lenders by illustrating that rich and poor alike are vulnerable to unscrupulous subprime lenders, said the candidate’s wife, Elizabeth: “If the heartless, cold-blooded people behind this loan were properly regulated by the government, John and I would have been spared a lot of distress.”

Many are perplexed at how millionaire lawyer Edwards would be forced to borrow on such predatory terms. According to Minnie Richards from the Southern Poverty Credit Counseling Center, “The Edwards’ credit report still reflects their days of missed payments back before John made it big. Money was tight; the Edwards were living in a one-bedroom apartment. They relied on maxed-out Capital One accounts just to make ends meet, charging everything from the water bill to pricey haircuts to carbon offsets.”

Upon revelation of the loan, Edwards promised the campaign would quickly divest itself of the debt. It will be sold as soon as possible on the open market, to a hefty profit for the Edwards campaign, said a spokesperson.

But this is not the first time Edwards has been critiqued for his involvement in the lucrative subprime lending market. Last spring news broke that Edwards had invested in and provided consulting services for Fortress Investment Group, a corporation that works to deprive Hurricane Katrina victims of their homes. “A lot of people were saying, ‘How could John really not know about what was going on there?’” said the spokesperson, “But this weeks events just go to show you that sometimes the truth really is stranger than fiction.”