Gore Foes to Offset Carbon Offsets

Group aims to coerce former VP into carbon-neutral lifestyle

NASHVILLE—Activists pressing Al Gore to amend his energy-consuming lifestyle have announced plans to counter the former vice-president’s carbon offsets by funding a commercial-scale hog farm in rural China. A joint venture will finance a 20% expansion of a state-run pig farm into neighboring wetlands, where the extra methane-producing swine are projected to deliver thousands of tons of the noxious greenhouse gas into the Earth’s atmosphere annually.

The motley alliance of radical environmentalists and right wing partisans aims to force Gore to adopt an eco-friendly lifestyle. He currently claims to balance his personal energy use by purchasing “carbon offsets”—a well-known scam that preys on wealthy liberals—by investing in green energy production through a company he owns. The group charges that this is nothing short of hypocrisy, given the harsh changes the vice-president-turned-climate-change-alarmist has demanded to ordinary Americans’ way of living.

The organization’s director, John McTarrant, thus explains the carbon offset-offset strategy: “It’s holding the planet hostage, really. For every offset Gore buys, we buy more hogs. Sooner or later he’ll be forced to start actually conserving energy.”

Gore, speaking from the steps of his 10,000 square-foot Nashville mansion, did not find that prospect enticing. He told reporters, “Look, I recycle. I drive a hybrid Hummer, 14 miles to the gallon. We only run our sauna when we’re in it. We’ve pretty much shrunk our household energy use down to the level of three, maybe two-and-a-half Romanian villages.”

Pressed further, Gore said of the group’s criticisms, “I can’t say it’s not an inconvenient truth. But what these folks don’t understand, is I have a lot more to sacrifice than the little people. It’s a dream life, baby. If you were this rich, you’d live it up too.”

Hog futures rose sharply at the Shanghai commodities exchange as news broke that Gore won’t be crying “uncle” anytime soon.