Clinton Documents Released by Zippo-Rooter

Clogged toilet spoils Clintons' Tupperware party

NEW YORK—Formerly secret documents from Sen. Hillary Clinton’s tenure as First Lady were made public Tuesday by an employee of Zippo-Rooter Plumbing familiar with the Clinton household. Although advocacy groups had filed Freedom of Information Act requests for the papers, the Bill Clinton Presidential Library was not previously expected to release most of them until after the 2008 election. Newly publicized documents include dozens of pages of Sen. Clinton’s weekly calendar, as well as memos, emails, and reports.

The papers were brought to light by Zippo-Rooter plumber Oskar Jaczowoski, who performed an emergency call on the Clinton residence in Chappaqua, New York early Tuesday morning. “I knew from start not everything was right,” he told us, “When I got the call from Sen. Clinton, I heard her husband in the background, and everyone was saying, ‘What’s going on?’ ‘Sandy Berger’s plugged up the toilet.’”

Jaczowoski arrived at approximately 3:30am to a Who’s Who of Clinton associates. In addition to former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger, he recognized longtime Clinton chum Vernon Jordan, fundraisers John Huang and Charlie Yah Lin Trie, actress Barbara Streisand, and fugitive drug lord-turned-DNC donor-turned-last-minute Clinton pardonee Marc Rich. Jaczowoski spent nearly forty minutes clearing the toilet in the Clinton’s guest bathroom and charged an additional surcharge for the late-night visit. “Cleanest job I ever did,” he said, “There was no waste, just pure documents.” Upon completing the work, the patriotic plumber promptly disseminated the salvaged documents to media outlets.

Sen. Clinton countered suspicions of impropriety in her midnight meeting of Democratic lowlifes, claiming they were gathered for a Tupperware party in honor of visiting Chinese dignitaries. This explanation was indeed corroborated by Jaczowoski, who recalled several plastic bins with manila folders in the kitchen and more in the bathtub, as well as two plastic containers resting on the toilet tank: one with Cottonelle baby wipes and the other labeled “Whereabouts of Osama bin Laden: 1996, ’98, ’99.”

Release of these Clinton records is not likely to bode well for her presidential aspirations. Though Clinton had blamed the National Archives’ time-consuming screening process for the delay in her papers’ publication, volunteers for the Obama for America campaign disproved that claim, having the documents cataloged, digitized, and uploaded into a searchable online database within hours.

The papers’ content may also become a liability for Clinton. Among recovered records were receipts for District of Columbia hotel/motel taxes collected and an innkeeper’s license labeled “Venue: Lincoln Bedroom”, a schedule listing a fundraising meet-and-greet at Maryland’s Cumberland Federal Correctional Institution, and a United States passport for "Benjamin David Kline" bearing the photograph of indicted Clinton fundraiser Norman Hsu. Perhaps more disturbing is a report entitled “HillaryCare 1994,” affixed with a yellow post-it note reading, “SAVE FOR FUTURE USE.”

Sen. Clinton nevertheless maintains that the incident is the work of another “vast, right-wing conspiracy,” telling reporters, “In 1998 the Republicans were in our bedroom and now they’re in our bathroom. My toilet was tapped without a warrant.” And it was—if only Berger had known to hold the handle down till it was through flushing.


Subscribe by email
 Subscribe in a reader